I LOVE LOOSELY
— by Steve Martin

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Ricky: Lucy, I'm home!

Lucy: Oh, hi, Ricky. How were things at the club today?

Ricky: Oh, fine.

Lucy: What did you do?

Ricky: The usual -- rehearsed a new number and had sex with an usherette.

Lucy: Waaaaaaa!

Ricky: Lucy, wha'sa matter?

Lucy: You said you had sex with an usherette. ... Waaaaaaa!

Ricky: Lucy, don' be silly. It was only oral sex.

Lucy: It was?

Ricky: Of coure, Lucy.

Lucy: It wasn't intercourse?

Ricky: Of course not, Lucy. That would be cheating.

Lucy: Oh, Ricky, I almost forgot those passages from the Bible you read to me that proved it.

Ricky: Now I'm goin' to change, and you go make dinner.

Lucy: Yes, Ricky.

(Ricky exits. Lucy goes to the phone.)

Lucy: (On the phone) Ethel?

Ethel: (On the phone) What is it this time, Lucy?

Lucy: Ethel, I'm not so sure about this "oral sex is not cheating" business.

Ethel: This isn't another one of your schemes, is it?

Lucy: Oh, no, Ethel. It's just that Ricky claims it says so in the Bible.

Ethel: Well, Lucy, why don't you ask a monsignor?

Lucy: Where would I find one?

Ethel: There's one in the building. Mrs. Trumble has one visiting her now. You want me to send him down?

Lucy: Thanks, Ethel.

(There is a knock at the door. Lucy answers. It's the monsignor.)

Lucy: That was fast!

Monsignor: Hello, Mrs. Ricardo. It says right here in Leviticus that oral sex is not cheating.

Lucy: How did you know what I wanted to ask?

Monsignor: It's the only thing people have been asking me for months. Men have been joining our church by the thousands! Ah ... ah ... ah choo!

(The monsignor's mustache flies off.)

Lucy: Fred!

Fred: Lucy, this was all Ricky's idea!

(Ricky enters.)

Ricky: Lucy, is my dinner ready? (He sees Fred and starts swearing in Spanish.)

(Ethel enters, sees the mustach on the floor, picks it up, and hands it to Fred.)

Ethel: Here, put this on your bald head for old times' sake.

Lucy: But how did Ricky know I was worried that oral sex was actually cheating?

Ethel: I've been taping all your phone conversations and selling them to him, Lucy.

Lucy: But, Ethel, you're my best friend!

Ethel: I was getting even with you for making me wear that cat suit to the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Ricky: Ethel, tell Lucy you're sorry.

Ethel: Oh, all right. Lucy, I'm sorry I taped all your phone calls and ruined your life.

Lucy: And Ricky, I'm sorry I thought you had intercourse when it was just oral sex.

(They all hug.)

Fred: Can I take off my wire now, Ricky?