Mine started with a mention of an old friend. One that had been my best friend for a time. We had been through a lot together. I stood by him no matter what he had to endure. When all hell was breaking in his life, I was there. When all hell broke in my life, he disappeared. When I needed him most, he either couldn't or wouldn't be there for me.

It was my failure as a person in his eyes. What I had done was unfathomable to him. Not so strange to anyone who had been in my shoes or faced what I had, but to him, a failure. For whatever reason, I was expected to hold a higher standard. A level of morality that only a saint could keep. I was not a saint. My fall was great. Not just in my own eyes, but definitely in his. And he didn't know what to do with it.

Now years have passed and we've not spoken. There are days that I think of him and it hurts a little. Then there are days like today where it feels like someone ripped my heart out again. In the realms of friendships, he and I were like Jonathan to David. Brothers. Not of blood, but of heart.

It was my failure that hurt him. He in turn, for not knowing what to do, ended our friendship. My failure wasn't against him, but it tore down any respect that I had in his eyes. He could never look at me the same way. And though our friendship didn't die immediately, the plug was pulled and in a matter of time, the result was the same.

We are, today, a culmination of the decisions we made yesterday, last week, a year ago, and sometimes decades ago. On days like today, when the memory of a friendship that was so very strong, my failures haunt me. My weaknesses, some the very same that caused my failure, glare at me. Hauntingly. So much was lost. And every once in awhile, I'm reminded. And the pain is brand new again.

01/26/04
It's amazing how easily we slip back into roles. Some are roles we took on ourselves, others are roles that people have placed us in. Even when I go home to visit my parents, I find that they have a difficult time accepting that I'm an adult with my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Often they put me back into that role of that teenage boy that was twenty-some years ago.

Today was the first day of the FEBC winter meetings. We're entering our sixth season of our online fantasy baseball league. When I started the league six years ago it was a long time goal to establish a strong league that could thrive. We have. But over the last year a lot has happened — including my divorce. It's been a very trying year for me. I was burned out at work, at home, and with the league. It showed. The website has been behind forever.

But with the meeting starting today, I found myself back in that role of commissioner. The guiding force, though not the decisive force. My job is to keep things moving in one direction. All the while, watching over things to make sure there won't be situations that could derail or ruin the league. Where I had been out of sync for the last twelve months or so, today, I slipped back into a familiar role. Unlike some roles, like that of the teenage boy, this one felt right again.